So ... Jesse Helms died. Such a hate filled, cruel person - I'm happy he's gone. But I feel for his family I suppose. I just can't imagine how someone can be filled with hate constantly and exist normally. Did he really believe all he worked for? It seems so absurd. While I've drifted a little ways from being as left as I was, this sort of thing still - I'm angry, I'm sad. How could any person be this way? How can they believe such absurd things?

I mean, I was okay with Jerry Falwell went too. I feel sort of wrong being happy I won't have to hear them again. The news only seems to keep depressing me further.

I find out my apartment on the 11th, I hope. Tired of WoW and CoH... I mostly rejoined to hang out with folks I knew, but they always seem too busy and my guild never does anything as a group. So I remember why I left. Mmmbleah.

hey..im new here. 
 my name's nora. i 'm 26 and have been cutting since 2001, when my father passed away. i had been physically abused from the time i was 5, and remember every goddamn moment of it. my mom was the problem. my dad never laid a  hand on me. he always tried to stop her. it's lke...i don't know...when my dad passed away...it was like..."oh, shit. all i've been doing is surviving, and he was hte only reason for that...' So, i was never really 'living'. i just...flipped. it happened almost by accident. I never knew it could be so addicting. I haven't actually, in almost a year. the longest *ever* i've ever gone. 

I have 4 psych disorders ( BPD, PTSD, rapid cycling bipolar, schizophrenic/dissociative episodes) and 2 chronic pain conditions ( fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome) with an autoimmune disorder -- Epstein Barr Virus. So working is a *bitch*. i've been looking for something i can do part time with my laptop, etc. i've also been applying for regular jobs too...but yeah. its really really  hard. i can't stand for more than an hour without excruiating *all over * pain.

you know, i find it ironic....that i wasn't *allowed* to fight back, talk back, to say anything to anyone, to try to escape from the abuse. but *now* my body is making no qualms about being vocal about the pain its in. its almost like it was building up...even though i didn't start getting sick until the beginning of 2002. Like, my body is saying "there's no way you can shut your mouth about *this*. They ( family/friends) couldn't see the pain i was in, but now it's all too loud and grating and obvious. in the same token, i don't feel there's a link between depression and physical pain, because i've had *great* days ( weekends, even...with good friends) and i've *still* been in excrutiating pain. it pisses me off so badly when people write off chronic pain on depression. as if a freikin anti-D is gonna make it all go away. It doesn't. It just doesn't...i hate that kind of ignorance.

i should have graduated college 3 years ago, but i kept having trouble with classes. my student loans are in defferment, so i have to save up massive amounts of money to start paying them back next year. i owe a whole semester's worth of tuition before i can take classes again,. and i only have 7 of them left. my mom still is/always will be an abusive c*nt. she hasn't gone a day without emotionally abusing me since i've been back. i've also had to leave the house at 2, 3 in the am because she's flipping out and physically threatening me,...
so i've been trying since like april to get the fuck *out*. i thought i was moving to another borough in my city ( new york city) but that didnt work out. so i have to go back to the town where my school is. even though i cant go back to *school*. i just wanna graduate already, but i'm so irrepairably f!cked up that i don't think i'd see it as a huge accomplishment. that doesnt stop me from wanting it badly though.

i sing, write my own songs/monologues/short plays. so i have outlets...but still. its just so goddamn exhausting. to freikin survive this.

i have about a month to left to figure out how to freikin get some money...( at the very least to get up to school, and 2 or 3 months rent)

i dont know anymore. i think im gonna crash bad when it sets in that i can't take classes. i'll sing in chorus though, to try and keep my head above water. i wanna hang out with my friend but we haven't seen eachother in a long time. long story short, she was the one who took me to the hospital twice, and Univ. Police once...feelings of guilt/lack of self worth ensue. She never really kept in touch after i came down to NYC...but finally in December she responded to a facebook email. we're on eachothers buddy list. she;'s always very busy, but when she's on i can't seem to i/m her. its like i spent so much energyy beating up on myself over the whole thing, that i just...don;t care anymore. but i wrote her a letter ( which i wont give her) that says quite the opposite. its everything im basically feeling...but i guess that's a borderline thing. not knowing which bundle of feelings is the real thing...

Пожалуйста, стрелять людей, преследуя нас.

(That would be, according to Google Language Tools "We are Americans. Please shoot the people chasing us")

Just saw Stargate: Continuum, and it was quite nice (and included the above line. I'm sure Daniel translated it better)! I like the split-screen interrogation scene, Ba'al's toy, and the object lesson in just how hazardous the kawoosh can be to curious innocent bystanders.

My only big complaints were that the mid-wormhole effects seemed to be more like those for zipping around the Pegasus Galaxy than zipping around our own, and that the writers were (in my mind) wasting time with a nice one-off story when they could be wrapping up the Ori arc (which is the whole reason for these Stargate films, you know...because Sci-Fi pulled the plug before they could wrap up the Ori arc). Although upon reflection, it does conclude the subtle arc of one of the reoccurring antagonists, so I guess it's not entirely wasting air-time. In theory, though, they could have wrapped up that subtle arc and concluded the Ori arc in one season (which is probably what they had initially planned, until Step-Dad SciFi decided to re-write the will).

If you haven't seen it yet, karjack, you'll be glad to know that although Daniel doesn't get enough air-time, he's quite charmingly pissy all through it. Much the same goes for Vala, surreality.

Happy Fourth of July, for those who celebrate!

Here in this household, it has not been a happy day so far, since the Grey One felt I should have celebrated the Fourth of July by not giving her a bath, and tgregoryt felt that that the Fourth of July should have been free of the howls of a protesting cat. Nonetheless, we are about to head out, which should allow all three cats a restful, bathfree afternoon and evening.

May all of you have a less traumatic day ahead :)

So, let me introduce myself. Hi, I'm 15 years old and have been cutting for about 2 years. Many times I have tried to stop, but all of those attempts have been unsuccessful.  Recently, I realized that life isnt a game, and that whatever I do now, I have to live with, and I don't really want to live with this "addiction". So after encouraging from a good friend, who used to cut also, I decided to throw away my razors into the dumpster by my house. It's been about a week since I threw them away, and I have so far been successful in my attempt to stop. Lately, I've been getting more urges to cut, and have been sort of fantasizing about cutting really deep. But I think I have the will to not give in.

So yeah, thats my story...
Thanks:)

I so want this. Even if I could never wear a red shirt while riding it...

Thanks to wyldemusick for the link.

1. Wall-E: She is absolutely, awesomely, hot (or cool), capable of shooting anything on sight, plus flying, not to mention incredibly competent. He is an utter dork obsessed with Hello Dolly who collects little pieces of trash.

Naturally, he's utterly smitten, and so was I.

Wall-E's received some significant conservative criticism for its anti-human, anti-corporate message (a fairly astounding message from a Disney product, actually), a message strongly undercut by the last five minutes of the film, and from some people concerned about the film's message about overweight people. I think that second message has been misheard; the overweight humans do almost nothing not because they are incapable, but because they are content. What I found more disturbing, and yet all too realistic, is that even 700 years into the future, when the entire human race is overweight and not moving, the company is still advertising products for thin people, and suggesting that the goal is to be thin. (Look at the models in the film's background – thin, thin, thin.) The first point might have validity if not for the film's last five minutes (by far the least scientific part of the film.)

And yeah, those last five minutes: ( spoilery ) Nonetheless, because I'm a bundle of contractions, I loved the film, especially the first forty minutes or so, and if the love story doesn't get you – well, you either have no heart, or you're not a geek. If you haven't seen it yet, go.

2. I-SPY: I missed this the first time around, and rather wish I'd missed it the second time around. Should it come your way, skip to the scene where Famke Janssen is stretched out wearing little but white lingerie, watch that, and then skip to the end. You'll be happier and in less danger of permanent brain cell loss.

3. Once Upon a Time in Mexico: Somehow, despite the presence of both Johnny Depp and Antonio Banderas, I missed this one too the first time around, probably because it looked like the sort of disjointed, random gun violence movie that I'm not overly fond of. And as it turns out, this is a disjointed random gun violence movie (thinking about the plot too hard, or at all, is probably not a good idea) with some "Um, would he even be able to walk after that, let alone fire a gun?" bits, but on the other hand, the film has some decidedly watchable moments, including a the "how do we get out of a hotel room when we're chained together at the wrist and people are shooting at us" (some of you might be able to sympathize here) a showdown at the Mexican Day of the Dead festival, some decent dialogue bits, and of course, Johnny Depp.

From alert reader technoshaman comes the alarming news that the squirrels are no longer just plotting, they're actually leaving notes. More images of squirrels merrily shouldering bazookas can be found here And if that doesn't scare you, the San Diego Union Tribune cheerily informs us that squirrels test positive for plague. I told you they would be trying biological warfare next.

Fortunately, some people know how to handle the situation. And luckily, some brave Canadian researchers have stepped up to the challenge, by, and I quote, "collecting poop." Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

We have an unexpected crisis in the household:

tgregoryt is insisting on closing his bedroom door each night.

Now, many of you are no doubt responding to this crisis with the observation that since this is his own bedroom in his own apartment, he has every right to close the door if he pleases, especially if his purpose in shutting the door is specifically to prevent getting jumped on by small furry creatures who think he should be scratching their heads, not, say, sleeping. Those of you making this admittedly just observation are not the Little One and the Grey One, who are of the counter opinion that no doors should be closed to cats, since cats clearly have a major and immediate need to enter any room where tgregoryt might be so that they can sleep on him. (If you haven't guessed, they adore him.) Add to that the admittedly provocative decision by Lucy, his elderly cat, to stand guard over the cat food and water, hissing at all who approach, and you may get a sense of the angst in this household, an angst only increased by the Grey One's discovery of the Land Under tgregoryt's Bed, which is, I am assured, a place that she needs free access to at all times.

Apparently, last night tgregoryt actually -- and I'm sorry to have to tell you this -- shut his bedroom door without realizing that the Grey One was under the bed, imprisoning her in what I was later assured were completely unacceptable conditions. When the Little One realized that she was nowhere to be found, he decided to start leaping on me, and when she was later released, she decided to take out her trauma, in a very realistic and painful fashion, on me, multiple times, and then on Lucy, just once. Not exactly the medically approved way to cure my continuing major exhaustion.

Welcome to beautifulxstorm, blaahness, faulty_x_wiring, inhereyesifall, mythosandlogos, ohsoawful, onewithnothing, revoulution9, richelle_oblak, someone5150, the_death_ofxme, the_sunray and witty_wac!!

Please post something to the community within the next week in order to make your community membership permanent

ericamcm

I don't really MUSH anymore, although the hankering does come on now and then; I'll poke around and look into a game or two, but it's rare that it goes any further. Nonetheless, I'm still curious about what's become of some of my former friends and RP-partners. In some cases, the friendships were confined solely to the game and in-character interactions. Now, I find myself wondering what the people were like behind the roles they played. Maybe some of 'em still play, or maybe they, like me, just monitor communities like this on the off-chance of seeing an old, familiar face (er, well, name). So, if anyone out there recognizes me and wants to say "hi," here's who I've been:

Two Moons MUSH: Raven, Dove
Crypt MUX/MUSH: Ravenne, Ruck, Irina, Jara, Tallis, Hekate
Aether MUSH: Astraea, Cassius, Aurora, Gabriel, Vasuki, Justinius, Saadiya
Maddock MUX: Winona, Kinkaid
Fort Bloodshed: Kinkaid
Elysium, Tartarus (various other WoD games I've forgotten): Journey
Shangrila: Journey, Calandra, Lilu

Some of the folks I'm particularly interested in tracking down are:

• Reedsnap @ Two Moons: Our scenes were some of my first favorites. They helped nudge me beyond the "one liner" realm.


• Nemoria @ Crypt: we just played a handful of scenes, with me as Ruck, but they always intrigued me.


• Augustin @ Crypt: Player probably doesn't MUSH anymore, but you never can tell. Always enjoyed our scenes.


• Alphonzo @ Crypt: Cool guy, great artist, always made me laugh -- just curious where he is and what he's doing.


• Devon/Shadow @ Crypt: gotsparkly, maybe you know? Just wondering what he's up to these days.


• Apollonius @ Aether: He wrote a whole online play, for chrissakes. I always wondered what happened to the player. Hopefully it involved going on to write published novels!


• Elidi @ Aether: Maybe things didn't end so well between us, but I'd just like to know how she's doing all the same.


• Alendinia @ Aether: (I think that was her name) -- the player was pretty new to MUSHing, as I recall, but caught on quickly. Just wondering how all that went, if she's still playing, etc.


• Madeline @ Fort Bloodshed -- again, just a handful of scenes with me as Kinkaid, but they were fun.

There are probably plenty more I'm forgetting. Considering I have trouble remembering my own characters sometimes, that wouldn't surprise me. But if anyone recognizes any of the names on my list, drop me a line. And if anyone knows the folks I'm looking for, pass the word along that I'd just like to know how they're doing, maybe friend 'em on LJ or MySpace or what-have-you. Here's my MySpace, just to make it easier. Thanks!

-Astra

P.S. Oh, and if anyone out there remembers me, but in a not-so-good way, well, I'm happy to let bygones be bygones. It was all years ago. I'm damned if I can remember what most of the disputes were about. Say hi anyway. See what happens.

Here are 50 assorted bases. They are all green.


Comment if you take any and tell me what you took, credit if you want and modify at your heart's content.

( Enjoy. )

Currently working on: more bases. Text-only Tori Amos icons.

So... Things have been really awkward between my mom and I. I cut on sunday and she found me. Tried to stop the bleeding with her bare hands. How disgusting. She got blood everywhere. She kept asking me why I cut infront of the police and ambulance crew. I told her it was her fault for not stopping my dad when I was young. Ever since she's pretty much been giving me the silent treatment. She talks to me when she needs to, but she's so... distant... Really makes me want to cut all over again. I moved my computer from the living room to my bedroom and have been hiding in it ever since. Now she insists I go to therapy beyond the therapy I have 4 days per week with 2 different therapists. She wants to be present at my next therapist appointment tomorrow to talk. I just simply have to remind my therapist that she doesn't have a release of information and therefore cannot speak to my mother. That'll make my mom happy. I so want to move out into my own place.
County won't let me though. All I know is that I now live in a hostile environment and can't take it anymore. Makes me want to cut. This would make the living environment even more hostile. My mother may even become confrontational which would totally suck.

I've been haunted by the ghost of my gallbladder!!

So, about 20 minutes ago, I noticed an odd discomfort in my abdomen. Not off to any side, not all that low nor high, but just around about in my diaphragm area. Just like.. (drumroll) ..what'd precede the mystery pains!

It built up over ten minutes, then started to fade (during which time I popped one of my leftover Vicodin, then put on my shoes and shaved, just in case I was going to be paying an unexpected visit to medical folks). Thinking, "Ooookay, that was weird", I popped outside for a smoke, and before I even got 1/3 of the way through the cigarette, the pain worked back up again. Putting out the cigarette and going inside to sit down and check my blood-pressure and pulse (normal, by the way. 130 over like.. 68 or so, w/ 59 bpm), it started to fade again by the time the blood-pressure gauge was finished gauging.

I am going to be -so- peeved if the source of the Mystery Pain has been some sphincter of Oddi disfunction affair, all this time!

PS: Anyone in Southern California catch this in the skies, scant minutes ago?

PPS: The bottled A&W Rootbeer Float stuff is pretty good.

PPPS: For those fans of Stargate, and/or Twin Peaks, and/or X-Files, who didn't know? Don Davis (bald round military officer with a mid-southern accent, who headed the Stargate program, got the space-transmissions about the owls, and was Scully's dad) died of a heart attack the other day. I'm always disturbed by mention of folks dying of a "massive heart attack in the morning" -- do they mean after the person got up, or do they mean they were awoken by it?

PPPPS: I'd like to see a macro of Star Wars' Admiral Akbar with the text, "What? It's probably nothing; Don't worry about it."

Moving notes:

General note: I'm not entirely sure if this is the fault of the local cable modem or my Belkin wireless – probably both – but the high speed internet connection here does occasionally wig out, so if I drop out of chat with you, that's why.

So, in order of interest:

1. Somehow I am not surprised to learn that most of your concerns center on the Little One, the Grey One, and Fish. You will all be glad to know that Fish behaved beautifully throughout the move, occasionally swishing his tail, but for the most part, providing an example of how to handle stressful events: swish your tail, and hide under a plastic tree. He is currently up on a bookshelf. I am sorry to inform you that the Little One and the Grey One were considerably less helpful, despite the Little One's attempt to test the endurance of the human eardrum Saturday morning.

Their meeting with Lucy, tgregoryt's elderly cat, did not result in universal friendliness, with the result that the Grey One has decided that the best way to handle Lucy is to head under the couch, and stay there, while the undeterred Little One has decided to continue to offer overtures of friendship, a problem since his idea of friendship consists largely jumping on his fellow creatures so he can sleep on them, and Lucy believes firmly that she does not need to be jumped on or slept on. As a result that all three cats have staked out different territories: the Grey One has a small section of the living room (the couch); Lucy has seized the dining area; and the Little One has happily stomped over the other two bedrooms and the hallway and much of the rest of the living room and any window offering the chance to see a bird. The slight difficulty here: Lucy, who is not a stupid cat, has staked out the one area that leads directly to cat food, cat water, and cat litter box, apparently believing that if she can starve them out, they will leave. I have to assume that a need for water and food will eventually drag the Grey One out from under the couch.

2. Most ironic part of the move: calling the self-storage place where I was supposed to return the truck, getting told they had no available units, thus forcing me to drive an extra 15 minutes to another self-storage place and an extra 15 minutes back, only to find, after returning the truck, that the first self-storage place did indeed have available units, and I'd just added a couple more hours, gas mileage, and fuel charges to the move for no reason whatsoever. Oh well.

3. Most desperate task of the week: cleaning tgregoryt's bathroom; I am the first to admit that my cleaning standards are well below most of yours, but I have my limits.

4. Best part of the move: unexpectedly finding three things I'd thought permanently lost during the last minute packing stuff. Related note: we got to bring along far more of my plants than I thought we could.

5. Cool part of the move: with the exception of my mother and one of the former drug dealers, everyone else who helped with the move, including one of the other former drug dealers, was a gaming geek. (In the single geekiest moment of the move, bar none, we tipped that guy with a copy of the D&D 4.0 Player's Handbook.)

6. Second geeky part of the move: finding out that I had not, indeed, packed away Settlers of Catan into the storage unit.

7. Worst part of the move: saying good-bye to coldecho. That hurt. On a related note, saying good-bye to others, even knowing that I'll see them online and up in Orlando if/when they pop up here.

8. Second worst part of the move: the frustration of being exhausted and dependent on others; I did do almost all of my own packing, but I hated not being able to drive the truck and move boxes into the truck and having to hire ex-drug dealers, however geeky the said ex-drug dealers.

9. Marvelous stuff about tgregoryt's place: the swimming pool is nearby, so I can keep up with the required exercises; the view of Lake Apopka from the windows and porch, which has enthralled the Little One; the grove of live oak trees at the entrance; tgregoryt's fish tank (tiger and cherry barbs, for the curious).

10. No regular phone yet; updates on that will come shortly.

Much kudos to:

pandorable, for going well above and beyond the call of duty by helping me out here. She even dared to open tgregoryt's kitchen cabinets and organize them, which is, I assure you, an act of major bravery.

coldecho, urbanwebkat and her boyfriend J, athenakt and husband, and C for packing/truck loading/not stepping on cats/enduring the Little One's outcries.

S for truck driving/extra help, even if he did suggest that I could possibly exist without books (although he was right to predict that 75% of my boxes ended up being books); my mother for everything and the sodas.

And of course, tgregoryt.

********
Lots to blog about, including Wall-E; The Tudors; my irritation with health insurance; what distinctly looks to me like an approaching tropical depression/storm/hurricane off the coast of Africa (admittedly one that also looks as if it will be churning its way harmlessly through the mid Atlantic and hit no one, with the added disclaimer that I am, hands down, the worst hurricane predictor out there); the very sad death of actor Don Davis, probably best known for his role on Stargate SG-1, but who was also in Twin Peaks, and played Scully's father on X-Files; and more, but this will all need to wait a bit.

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I don't want to hurt myself, I just want to calm down my anxiety. My dog is very sick, I had to admit him into the hospital today. I'm scared.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I have, and I haven't. The anxiety is noticeable right now, i'm very nervous. I don't know how to deal with it, maybe if I take deep breaths? Maybe if I try to relax.

3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've cut to ease the discomfort. I didn't cut too much, just a little bit to take the edge off, but it wasn't enough, and I want to cut more. I feel that if I don't, i'm going to explode. I can try and brush my teeth, maybe go to bed

4. How do I feel right now?

Anxious, scared.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Relaxed, calm. In control


6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Tomorrow morning I will feel that I should go seek help.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Can you avoid losing those that you love the most?

8. Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes. But i'll try not to.

how old were you when you first started Self injuring...?
what triggered it?

For me I was 10
My family life was just a bit screwy...

The most insane thing I saw at Origins: A box of unopened Magic cards, alpha or beta starters, was being offered at buy-it-now auction for $10,000.

It sold.

480 (or so) cardboard cards with color art. At almost $21 per card, that's more expensive than the Star Trek original series per minute on DVD. Albeit not by much.

Here at tgregoryt's. Updates later.