June 30, 2008.

Dinner, 7pm.

Grilled Cheese sandwhich, bordens cheese and whole wheat bread.

Heart burn, nausea, and pain in lower right quadrant of the abdomen.

June 30th, 2008 - 1pm.

Baby carots and Ranch Dip. No sickness!

DINNER - 7-ish.

Chicken soup with onions, carrots, and tiny little noodles.

Didn't make me sick.

DESERT - 10-ish.
A little bit of caramel flavored coffee drink, and a hostess cupcake. So far no problems.

I've been having issues when I eat lately, most everything I eat makes me sick so I'm now going to make posts on what does and does not make me sick to see if I can find a pattern.


June 29th, 2008. Sunday 11ish
White bread pita, stuffed with lots of shreaded lettuce, grilled chicken, pickles, sour-cream and salsa.

Did NOT make me sick.

I feel like this sometimes:

http://www.south20th.com/index.php?date=2008-06-22

And sometimes I feel like this:

http://www.kiwisbybeat.com/minus12.html

But mostly I just feel like this:

http://www.kiwisbybeat.com/minus99.html

Dear Christine,

I'm very sad you're moving to Orlando, I'm going to miss having you physically at the games with us. I'm going to miss sharing books with you as well. Even though I didn't do it so often there are plenty of books that now that I think about it I would like to share with you. The Live of Dax by several different people. The Tanya Huff vampire novels. I'm also kind of sad you never lent me any of your Emma Holly books. ;) I'm saddened that I never got to meet your cats, their antics on your journal make them sound very amusing. I wish we had gotten to go see movies together more often. I really enjoyed seeing I Am Legend with you. We haven't shared music, and I think we should, as I love sharing music.

I'm going to miss you.

-Ashley.

If my life were to be a movie or a play, I'd want it to be a violently tongue-in-cheek musical that involved the audience.


Preferably against their will.

Architect: Imaginos says "When you get to see your wife again?"
Architect: Brentwood says "Couple weeks."

Life just marches on, and the people I felt important move on without me. If feel like I know absolutely nothing and no one. Where are all my friends?

Why do I let people slip through my fingers so easily?

I highly recommend 'A Great and Terrible Beauty' by Libba Bray. I've sent my copy off with mariness.

But there is a passage later in the books about Felicity that made me smile a great deal. Talking about power and how girls of that age were expected to act in a certain way not for their own good but because people were afraid of what they could become.


Also I highly recommend 'Welcome Home' by Coheed and Cambria if you need a new song to listen to.

( Ah Am Lupa )

Scene: Jolene finally convinces Trinity that they are family.
Game: City by the Bay (pretty much DeFunct).
Characters: Jolene, Trinity, Zane, Faith, Ryan, prolly others.

Three in the morning and I realize the reason I'm still up out of sorrow instead of joy is because none of the people I thought were my friends wanted to go see me graduate tonight.

I really wanted Devin and Rebecca to go too.

The most painful thing in the world is going back and trying to be someone else.

I realize that I didn't really post an explanation of why I was listing all of my symptoms lastnight. And that it might be a good idea to do so.

Alot of the symptoms I've listed below I've actually had since I can remember or at least since my mid-teens. Of course they have gotten progressive worse as the years have gone on. To the point where they are more noticable to me now. Alot of the motor-stuff, infact, is horrible noticable and frustating. People make cracks about how I'm so clumsey, and I get really angry because I'm not. I was never very clumsey. I used to be very flexible and graceful, despite my weight. I remember that my step-dad would always get annoyed because I would always walk so quietly that he never knew when I was about until I had startled him. Now I walk kind of loudly and clumsily.

Memory. God. I used to have such a fucking wonderful memory. And sometimes I still do. Sometimes I just recall stuff like that. But sometimes I don't. Alot of the times I don't.

But, I digress, there is a reason to my listing all of the things I can think of. At somepoint in the near future I'm going to manage to get myself to a doctor. Because I've finally decided to stop hiding behind the "It's just that I've inherited fibromyalgia" excuse. I'm finally going to start listening to those little fears in that make of my head that whisper that it might be something else. Especially that it might be MS. In fact, I've secretly worried that I might have MS for a long time. But I just haven't admitted it because admitting it might make it true.

There is something seriously wrong with me. And I need to get treatment for it.

These are all of the symptoms I can think of off of the top of my head.

Speech Issues:
* Asphasia/Dysphasia: I have trouble speaking, words and sentences come out wrong or don't come out at all.
* Forget words: I'll be in the middle of a sentence when I simply forgot what word I wanted.
* Slurred Speech: I often have slurred words, or slowness, especially early in the "morning".

Visual problems:
* Near sightedness: This is pretty common though.
* Astygmitism: Basically, my eyes don't focus correctly. This has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years. - I should probably look into getting new glasses soon.

Motor Functions:
* Balance: I have very poor balance. There are times were I'm not even moving where I'll feel like I'm falling over and start flailing about.
* Walking: My right ankle has this horrible habit of turning inward suddenly with no warning when I'm walking at times. I can't remember my left ever doing so.
* Fingers: Occasionally the mobility and speed of my fingers is decreased, this is usually no more than one or two at a time, and it isn't always the same finger. But normally it is the middle finger of my right hand.
* Depth: I walk into things, alot. Not because I'm not paying attention but because I think I have more space than I do. And before I realize I don't have the space, I've walked into something.
* Flexibility: I have far less flexibility in the right side of my body. An example, I can bring my left foot up onto my right knee without any help or trouble. But even reaching down and grabbing my right foot, I have troubles getting it onto my left knee.

Gastrointestinal + Urinary:
* Overactive Bladder: Somedays I feel like I have to pee every few seconds.
* Urgency: Sometimes I have to pee right now!. And even after I've gone to the bathroom I still feel like I have to pee.
* Bowel: This is generally just unpleasant for me. I often swing between diahhrea and constipation. :(
* Acid Reflux: Me pukey, lots.

Neurological:
* Memory: My memory has gotten really fucking horrible as of late. I'll have forgotten what I was doing in the middle of doing it. -- I'll walk into the bedroom to play CoH lose my train of thought on something else, and then realize I'm in the bedroom and go, "Why am I in here?" And for several minutes not be able to remember what I was doing. Sometimes I never remember what task I was going to do at all.
* Words: Again, words are an issue. I forget my vocabulary pretty easy.
* Math: A memory issue, really. But the otherday I couldn't remember the general rule for squaring something. (IE: N^2 = N x N.)
* Vertigo(?): Occasionally, I feel like the world has turned suddenly. My center of balance having turned.
* Falling: I have a strange falling sensation occasionally.
* Floating: Often I have an odd floating sensation, like gravity isn't affecting me correctly anymore.
* Restless Leg: Occasionally I experience what is called 'Restless Leg Syndrome'. There is like an inching burning, horrible sensation inside of my leg that is too hard to really describe.

Sleep & Fatigue:
* Insomnia: I have nights and days where I can't sleep no matter how hard I try, no matter how tired my body is.
* Fatigue: And then there are days where I can't wake up. I just can't get my brain thinking again. Can't get myself moving, and all I want to do is sleep, and sleep, and sleep. Or hell, I don't even want to do that. I just want to just let myself drift.
* Easily interrupted: Sometimes Ben's moving just /alittle/ will wake me right upw.
* Heavy sleep: Sometimes, Ben tells me that no matter how hard he tries he can't wake me up.

Mood:
* Mood swings: I have horrible mood swings sometimes. Sometimes I will be not happy one moment, and then suddenly very happy the next. Sometimes these mood swings are inappropriate for the situation at hand.
* Anger: Sometimes I'll get inappropriately angry at something. Or more angry than I should. Like someone will cut us off while driving and it will suddenly piss me off for an hour or two. Or someone on a mush will say something in a pass comment that really wasn't meant to make me angry but I'll be angry at them for days afterward. (IE: An example of Ryn making a comment about 'good to finally have a real doctor on episodes with us!').
* Depression: Sometimes I fall into a horrible, horrible, horrible depression for no real reason. I will be so horribly depressed that I think everyone will be better off without me, or I have the urge to hurt myself.
* Europhia: On the other side of the coin there are times where I am just happy for no real reason, really. Everything just makes me happy and no one can get me down. - Until they do, and then I crash really hard.

Immunological:
* Immune system: Immune system? that's that? I don't seem to have one.
* Infections: I am very prone toward infections, especially ear, nose, or throat infections.

Oddities:
* Caffiene Allergy(?): Caffiene depresses me, and too much of it makes me suicidal or aggravtes my desire to hurt myself.


...Those are what I think of right now. :/

You say, "Sometimes, when I stretch, it's a bit like an orgasm. I've not figured out why."
Lyle can't say he's had that.

That made me smile. :D

Not a day goes by where I don't worry about my little sister.

God. Please let me get to a place where I can have her come live with me before it's too late to salvage her education and life.

HEHEHEHEH.

Luka sent me a happy birthday.wav. xD He sang me happy birthday in Slovenia.

Yay Thenomain! Looks like my song search is over.